there's no good reason for me to be up right now. it's 4:53am. i went to sleep around 1am. no way should i be up. but here i am. i'm not a big worrier, but for some reason when i wake up like this, thoughts buzz around my head until i somehow exhaust myself enough to pass out again. i guess i have a lot of things on my mind these days. i decided for sure to take the job with americorps for the summer. i'm not really anxious about it, but i am intersted to see how i deal with such a drastic change in my day to day life. i'll be working a monday through friday day job, something i've never really done before. and i'll be doing something that is probably going leave me dead by the end of the day. it'll be a huge change from the last few months, obviously. i've been so spoiled with not having to have a normal sleep schedule and not having too much of anything that i have to use much energy for. i've felt guilty about that, especially when i look at people like jay and kim who are always so beat by their jobs. i am nervous about working with kids again. besides me three day babysitting stint a couple of weeks ago, i haven't worked with kids for a long time, and i have never done 40 hours a week working with kids. i'm scared i won't like it. i'm glad this is for a specific amount of time, rather than indefinitely, but all the same, i don't want to be counting down the days until it's over.

i think we have yet another mouse. i'm hearing noises in the kitchen. maybe we do need to bring nico back. i don't think he would be very happy about that however. he still acts weird around jason and me when we visit him at my parents. like he's scared we're going to bring him back here. that's kind of sad.

i feel really frustrated and unsettled right now about several issues in my life (in this life, if you will). i always seem to get hit with a whole new batch of troubles anytime i think that life is going really well. when i take a step back from them, i feel like a lot of it is so ridiculous and frustrating; frustrating because they are things that shouldn't be issues. but when i take another step away, it's so obvious that everyone has things in their life that they shouldn't have to deal with, but life is messy and unless you're always on the run from everyone and everything, stupid problems are going to constantly be cropping up. and even if you do run away from everything and become a hermit, like people annoyed with life always say would be ideal (the same ones who are always saying things like "i hate people" and "people are stupid"), you'd still have problems. but more serious ones, like avoiding mountain lions and finding fresh drinking water. at any rate, these certainly are not thoughts that are new or profoud in any fashion, but even as trite as i may be being right now (give me a break, i've only slept for three hours) the thought that all human life constantly involves messy messes and problems without any apparent and hopeful or positive solutions makes me more frustrated... yet somehow comforted as well.

it's now 6am and the sky is turning that pretty shade of dark blue and the birds are going nuts, so i think i will retire. or at least read in bed until i pass out.